How I Met Your Mother: Doing It Kurosaki Style
by soner
Summary: Ichigo finally learns a little too much about how his parents met. Rated for drunken shenanigans, and all the other activities that come along with gratuitous consumption of alcohol. Masaki/Isshin and Yoruichi/Urahara.
1. it's here that i must be

How I Met Your Mother, Kurosaki Isshin Style

"MY SON!"

Zwing! Zwing!

Thap. Thap.

_Zwingzwing! zwingzwingzwing! thap! thapthapthap! thap!_

Ichigo stared, saucer-eyed, at the perfectly Ichigo-shaped outline of hospital syringe needles embedded in the wall not even a meter to his left. Then he stared at the idiot, idiot, _IDIOT _man who supposedly made up half his genetic makeup and code.

"You look like a bullfrog when your eyes bug out like that, son," Isshin informed him.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Ichigo shouted at his father, searching desperately for something sharp, heavy and preferably venomous to throw at the old man. Alas, his father knew him all too well, and had removed anything of even dubious hazard from the living room just before slipping a note under his son's door saying that they needed to speak right at this minute. Now the room was a shell. A white-walled, barren shell.

"You took two hours to appear!" Isshin said seriously.

"MAYBE because I didn't want to walk into some FUCKED-UP TRAP set up by a **RETARDED** OLD MAN," Ichigo seethed through gritted teeth.

"That's what naughty boys get!"

"What. Do. You. Want."

"Sit down, boy," Isshin gestured to the carpet at his feet. "We need to have a talk."

Ichigo remained standing. "Then. Talk. Spit it out. Get"

"We need to have a talk. A serious talk." He fiddled with his stethoscope, stretching it as far below his chin as he possibly could. Then he let go, and the heavy blunt sphere colliding with his nose with a sharp, loud (and satisfying) _crack! _"Ha! I always forget it does that!" Isshin said good-naturedly, rubbing his nose.

"That's because you're an idiot who should never be allowed anywhere near a hospital."

"But it's time to be serious, Ichigo."

"Then spit it out already! God!"

Isshin's face darkened, and Ichigo was wary.

"We need to discuss ... _women._"

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Finally, after nearly 20 minutes of wrestling, 4 booby traps and 13 binding spells, Isshin knew he _finally_ had his son's undivided attention.

"I hope you do not find this position too uncomfortable," he said from his seat on Ichigo's back, peering down at his son's slightly-more-angry-and-scowly-than-usual face. "Daddy didn't want it to come to this, but you must learn to listen! Kurosaki men are very strong and muscular, but I know that my lean yet robust _gluteus maximus_ still has enough cushioning to spare you from any serious back pain."

"MMMPHHGHH!" Ichigo spat out through his gag.

"Man up, son, we must have a serious father-son heart-to-heart."

Isshin pulled out a pack of candy cigarettes from his white coat pocket. "I want to appear cool and authoritative, but smoking kills, boy. Don't ever start. Use these instead," he winked.

Ichigo made no sound, save his angry, aggressive, loud breathing.

"I've known there's a girl in the house for a long time. Daddy's always known, but I couldn't think of the right time to tell you this. Now, I can tell you." Isshin smiled, his heart at peace.

Ichigo let out a noise that sounded almost like a growl.

"Ohh, my little crabby puppy son!" He took this moment to ruffle his son's hair without getting a punch to the throat. (Such a rare occurrence these days.) "But, you are not so young anymore, and something has been brought to my attention."

Isshin sucked on his candy cigarette thoughtfully. "I'm going to tell you a story," he said, finally, sinking into a flashback. "This is the story of ... how I met your mother."

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**author's note: **another story from me! WHOOOO! but seriously now. it's time we learned how masaki and isshin met. she sounds like an interesting lady, imho. isshin, smoking a cigarette, says that it was the only time she ever complimented him. intriguing, yes? and who doesn't love 'how i met your mother'


	2. my heart entreats

Isshin sucked on his candy cigarette thoughtfully. "I'm going to tell you a story," he said, finally, sinking into a flashback. "This is how I met your mother."

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Once, upon a time in Soul Society, there lived a man named Isshin. One day, the man's well-meaning-but-with-ambiguous-morals friend, Kisuke, gave him a surprise bag. But this was no ordinary bag. This bag had stuff in it!

"So happy you stopped by and walked in without knocking, even though I told you not to come by and placed several booby-trap spells, in addition to relocating in the hopes that you would grant me one hour of privacy," Kisuke said in a trustworthy, yet oddly strained manner. "Here, take this. It will help you get girls, and now you leave. Get out of here. I have work to do."

"If by work, you mean Yoruichi's pu-"

"Go put your new tools to work, Isshin. _Now._"

"You two have fun!" Ishhin winked, and then he exuberantly skipped out of Kisuke's office, slamming the door with happiness and appreciation for his best friends.

"Sometimes I hate that guy," Yoruichi spoke from under the desk.

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Isshin chuckled and affectionately pat his boy's shoulder. "Oh, those rascals!"

Ichigo growled, clearly not wanting to hear these valuable details.

"But if you think they were devilish, just wait until I tell you about your mother!"

"UGH!" he screamed, wishing desperately that he weren't gagged and bound and could just run, run, run far and away, to some parallel universe where his father hadn't decided to be such an overwhelmingly mortifying presence in his life.

"Aha! I see you're eager to get back to the story! Well, then, let me continue!"

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"A bottle of 100-proof brandy, a shot glass, some instructions and a pack of cigarettes," Ishhin mused to himself after checking the bag's contents. "The paper says, 'Drink the bottle and then go into the bar to your left. Don't come find me.'"

Sure enough, there was a bar, not even 10 feet from his left!

"_How did he know?" _he whispered in awe. Kisuke always knew.

Dutifully, he sat down and poured himself one shot. Then he sniffed it gingerly.

"UGH!" he shouted. "GROSS!"

But, commitment to duty was several slots higher on his 'List of Many Things Isshin Is Wonderfully Committed To'. Like a true soldier, he pinched his nose with one hand and used the other slam his first shot.

And then another.

And one more.

Then they started tasting better, so he had two others after that.

And then another three couldn't hurt.

"UWAAAH, THAT'S INSANE!" he informed the world. Due to his wonderfully dense pectoralis major, deltoids, quadriceps, trapezius and his external abdominal obliques, he was a mass of muscle, and as a result, he was also a mass of high alcohol tolerance! Therefore, 5 (or was it 7? 5? 75?) shots in a row made him suave, sophisticated, rather than some drunken idiot. And! There was no amount of alcohol that would ever render him _incapable of performing, _if you know what I mean.

"Time to get some," Isshin decided, and then finally walked into the bar.

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"RRRGHGHHH!" Ichigo struggled against the bonds, desperate NOT to hear any more of this.

"Never an incapable performance, indeed! Yes, us Kurosaki's are gifted creatures, aren't we, son?" Isshin beamed with pride, but then his smile evaporated and his demeanor because serious. "You do not know of this gift yet, do you, Ichigo? You are still too young to find out, and don't go thinking otherwise!"

Ichigo said nothing.

"Listen to me! _Chlamydia trachomatis_! _Neisseria gonorrhoeae_! Do you know what these are?" He peered at his son closely.

"Rrrtthhppt."

"In our next 'Father-Son-Manly-Man-to-Man-Frank-Discussion', you will learn all about them," Isshin spoke like the wise father he was.

Ichigo died a little inside.

"Now, back to the story!"

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**author's note: **yes, a quickie update! i've got quite a bit of this story written, tbh. so review or you might not see it. :O

anyway. don't look for complicated backstories, or anything like that. there are millions of unanswered questions about Isshin and Masaki, not to mention Urahara and Yoruichi (who will be the other main characters of this fic, starting with the next chapter). i'm not real big on plot, and this is just for fun.

HUUUUGE thank you's to **bcsaturdai** and **xiddav** for their awesome reviews! i only had this up for like an hour and BAM, you guys are awesome.

review or i won't update EVER


	3. just hear those savage beats

Staring at the large, overhead menu, Isshin was starting to feel confused.

"What's the 'Kurosaki Insane Wonderful Explosion of Total Awesomeness in Your Mouth'?" he asked the bartender.

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"Mrrrrff!" Ichigo was _still _struggling in vain against the bonds.

"Yes, my observant son," Isshin nodded. "You have noticed that there seems to be a drink named after me, KUROSAKI ISSHIN, which I am somehow not aware of!"

"Rrrgh!"

"It is time to tell you something … I have not been known as KUROSAKI ISSHIN my entire life!"

Ichigo said nothing, actually somewhat interested in what his father was going to say. For once.

"Now, I shall resume this glorious tale!"

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"And why's it so expensive?" Isshin continued. "You could buy a bottle for that price!"

"It is a bottle, captain," the bartender informed him. "It's a full liter of Tequila."

After pondering it for a minute, Isshin came to his conclusion: "… That drink makes no sense, my friend!"

"Yeah, I don't know. Some chick named Kurosaki came in, chugged a liter of Tequila, took her top off and said that if we didn't let her name her favorite drink after her, she'd never speak to us again. And she'd slaughter everyone in the bar."

He was in awe. "I wanna party with HER!"

"Yeah, you and everyone else wants a piece of that. Hope you're ready to fight off thirty other guys."

"I AM! I'M ALWAYS READY!"

"Here's a mini-Kurosaki special." The bartender handed him a large plastic cup of plain Tequila, room temperature with no ice.

He sniffed it delicately and immediately felt overcome by overpowering fumes. But these, he knew, were the fumes of **love**and **awesomeness** and the** awesome destiny of love**_. _"THIS IS MY FAVORITE DRINK EVER!" Isshin came to his new conclusion loudly. (Like usual.) "SO DELICIOUS!"

_Kurosaki … _What a beautiful name. Much better than his own last name! Too long had he been in need of not just a drinking partner, not just a battlefield partner, but an _actual equal. _Who was hot. This Kurosaki girl … No, WOMAN. She was all woman, he just knew it.

"I would gladly bear her children in a second," he informed his Tequila, unable to look away from the clear liquid. Happily, he grabbed a marker from his robes and began doodling 'Mr. Kurosaki Isshin' on the bar and giggling to himself. His eyes were starting to water from lack of blinking.

"Go socialize," the friendly bartender said, roughly shoving him towards the crowd.

"I am a romantic and these people don't understand me!" Isshin said in a way that only a true romantic hero could.

But! He knew that his night was ridiculously incomplete! Where were his friends, Isshin wondered, as he surveyed the decently-crowded bar. He wasn't going to be one of those fair-weather mates who ditched their pals the minute they met – er, was made aware of their ideal woman! His best friends weren't anywhere in this bar, and that really sucked. He even checked under several stools, just to make sure they weren't hiding.

"Bartender! I'll be right back! I must go gather my dearest and closest!"

"Okay."

"Please watch my drink to make sure nobody tries to slip in any suspicious pills, powders or liquids! I will return in 15 minutes!"

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"Why are we here?" Yoruichi asked sulkily.

"Because," Kisuke's tone was light. "It is a Friday night, our weekend is wide open and it is a fine idea to drink and socialize."

Yoruichi looked unimpressed.

"And because Isshin threatened to tell Yamamoto about the whole 'fingerblasting in his office' incident he walked in upon last week?" she offered. "That has nothing to do with it?"

"It may," he agreed, "have something to do with it. But now it is time to drink up. Kurosaki was nice enough to provide each of us with a 'Kurosaki Insane Wonderful Explosion of Total Awesomeness in Your Mouth' so we will be polite enough to drink it."

"You're welcome!" Isshin spoke from beside them, and then immediately went back to surveying the crowd between sips of his own 'Kurosaki Insane Wonderful Explosion of Total Awesomeness in Your Mouth'. He had to find her. No, he had no idea what she looked like, but he knew – he just **knew **– that he'd recognize her the instant he saw her.

"It's not a bad idea for a drink," she had to admit, before taking a looooong swig, oddly relishing the way the strong, bitter alcohol tested her gag reflex (it'd been a long time since _that _had happened, let me tell you). "I thought he made the name up at first. But I mean, you know, she _would _have thought up something like this."

"He's trying to meet her."

She chugged many large gulps before answering, "Who, Kurosaki?"

"What a love-sick boy he has become," he said, and then matched Yoruichi chug for chug. "Just look at him."

She did. Isshin's eyebrows were drawn, worried, and his mouth was slightly pursed – again, out of worry. He was leaning forward in his seat, trying to get a better view of the crowd. Basically, his eyes, mouth and body posture were all that of a boy in love. Yoruichi couldn't help but be slightly moved. She could feel something bubbling up inside of her, probably some strong emotion, something she hadn't felt for a while -

-"Yeah," she belched. Or maybe it was just gas. She took a few more swigs. "Oh, now half the bottle is gone."

"Hmm, indeed, but I would insist that I have drank half a bottle, whereas you, my thirsty kittycat, you have only consumed a mere three-fifths."

"You're already getting drunk, you idiot lightweight," she growled. "You know never to call me something so stupid."

"Isshin is in love," he said, looking at her almost coyly.

Ugh. She knew what he was getting at, but whatever. She'd draw it out and make him voice it out loud if he really wanted her help here. "This drink is missing something," she decided. Reaching into her cleavage, she pulled out her emergency milk bottle, and then poured it in with the Tequila. "Perfect," she decided after taking another sip.

"Do you remember when I knew you were the perfect lady for me?" Kisuke reflected, a sappy smile on his face, as he gazed at her tenderly. Drunkenly.

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"Boy," Isshin said thoughtfully. "I'm going to tell you the romantic, g-rated-romping tale of Kisuke and Yoruichi."

Ichigo growled against the bindings.

"It always brings a tear to my eye," he cooed.

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"You're a goddamn sap," Yoruichi said, after reflecting for a minute on the question.

"I know!" Isshin spoke up, never one to miss an opportunity to indulge in something romantic. "I remember and I'll tell it because I know she doesn't like talking about it!"

Yoruichi glared at him, her eyes glittering with promised bloodshed and daring him to continue.

Isshin carried on, oblivious. "Yoruichi was a little too drunk one night and I was dragging her home by her leg, but then she decided that this tree looked so comfortable that she just had to climb it. So I took a little rest under the tree, but then Kisuke walked by, and Yoruichi could not control herself anymore, and leaped from the tree onto Kisuke, and then I passed out for a while. But when I woke up, there were mysterious bite marks and scratches all over him, and his clothes were ripped to shreds."

"You hadn't really spoken to me at all before then, so it was a pleasant surprise," Kisuke said fondly, resisting the urge to reach over and ruffle her hair.

"I mean, I was passed out throughout it all," Isshin continued. "But all the other captains were there, plus the lieutenants, and they all recounted this story to me many, many times."

Yoruichi blinked and shifted in her seat. She had been convinced that night that Kisuke had slipped catnip into her drink, but thorough investigation had turned up nothing. But whatever.

"After that wonderful hour and half passed, I knew I could never be with another woman," Kisuke finished.

"That's hardly surprising," she said.

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"They're so beautiful," Isshin sighed from atop his blushing son. "A real love story. But I digress!"

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"Isshin's in love," Kisuke repeated for the millionth time.

"I know what you want me to do," she glared. "But what are you going to give me?"

"Well, there may be a bag of catnip-flavored milk gumdrops under someone's pillow tonight-"

"- If that's one of your sick metaphors-"

"-No, this time I mean literally –"

"-Deal."

"Thank you."

Slowly pushing herself up from the table, she sighed and said, "Fine, I'll go get 'Cyclone Drunk' Kurosaki and have her drink with us."

Isshin's face looked like Christmas, his birthday, Halloween, Valentines Day and Porn Day had all been combined into one glorious holiday. "DON'T WORRY – I'LL PLAY IT COOL!" he shouted.

Yoruichi slowly turned to look at him. "Uhhhh," she cringed, and then ambled her way out the door, her shoulders slumped in a posture of defeat.

"This will be so much fun," Kisuke said, grinning. "Drink more. For confidence."

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**author's note:** an update! my god! muchos gracias to **Hunter, ichigos future wife, bcsaturdai, maxiay, orangexviolet** and **Xiddav** for your wonderful reviews! they keep me going, no lie.

like i said before, i'm not thinking too heavily about the plot here. if there any huge canon errors i've made, then ... how unfortunate.

let me know if you're enjoying this and want more because WHO KNOWS ... i might just STOP FOREVER if you aren't reviewing :O


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